Dating horoscopes

Dating is always a chore. One never knows what they might end up with. That is why I have been gracious enough to suffer for mankind. I have faced hell so you may avoid it. If that is what you choose to do. By the way, if you’re offended by your horoscope, remember, it’s not you but the people you are dating.
Of course there is a way to avoid excessive hideousness… one can date a Cusper. The wonderful, complete souls born on cusps are the best people to get involved with. Cuspers were born right on, or directly around, the changing of the signs. Sadly, most Cuspers will only involve themselves with other Cuspers. Good luck finding one of your own.
Also, for your reading pleasure, I have added some notable members of each sign.

Aries (March 21-April 20): Think twice before you consider dating an Aries. Trust me on this one. I lived with one AND I dated one for far too long. These people tend to be extremely self-involved, obsessive and scary. They live in a plastic bubble that has their name written all over it. Although, if you enjoy playing the subservient, Aries could be the perfect dating experience for you. William Shatner, Joan Crawford, Francois (Papa Doc) Duvalier

Taurus (April 21-May 21): OK, they seem nice (in spite of being a little slow), but remember, they are not nice. If you are sharp (as I am certain you are), you will see Taureans as the manipulative bastards that they are. The Taurus is crafty and evil in ways unimaginable by most of us normal folk. Spare yourself the agony of dating a Taurus. The best part is that Taureans are completely unaware of their antics and are probably wounded by these statements. Ha. Oppenheimer, Rudolf Hess, Jim Jones

Gemini (May 22-June 21): Go ahead and date a Gemini… if you have some kind of a death wish. I understand how you feel. They seem so nice, so caring and concerned. They’re not. The Gemini is two very different entities dwelling in one vessel. Normally (if I can use that word and associate it with the Gemini), they don’t even realize they have an evil “twin.” Sometimes medication can help—usually not. Walk away and don’t look back.
LaToya Jackson, Marquis de Sade, Richard Loeb

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Cancers are high maintenance. They need constant reassurance. Sometimes they freak out and bolt, just when you think you have them. If you enjoy a project that might pay off in the long run, the Cancer just might be the way to go for you. Edward III, Clarence Thomas, Lizzie Borden

Leo (July 23-August 23): Leos are great dates—if you’re looking for a trophy. What the Leo lacks in brains, they more than make up for in social encounters. Of course your friends will laugh at you later on, but you probably got laid—and if you did—it was probably really good. Max Heindel, Sally Struthers, Fidel Castro

Virgo (August 24-September 22): Virgos are lovely if you don’t mind having your hand slapped every two minutes. God help the soul who inadvertently rearranges the Virgos stuff, there will be hell to pay. You may not suffer initially, but you’ll feel it someday down the line. Virgos never forget and they’ll make certain you don’t either. (On a side note-my mother is a Virgo and I enjoy going to her house when she is out and rearranging—slightly—all of her knick knacks. She can always tell, no matter how slightly I rearrange. Tee Hee.) Ivan the Terrible, Caius Caesar Caligula, Robert Blake

Libra (September 23-October 22): Libras are great. If you like someone who tells you they don’t want to get serious… which is fine. But then, when they find out you are dating other people (hey, they said it wasn’t serious and you said you’d date other people), the Libra suddenly becomes emotionally devastated. So the Libra goes to the Pink with your “friend” and says how heartless and cold you are… yet they just can’t help being totally in love with you. Yawn. Martin Heidegger, Ethel Rosenberg, Chevalier D’Eon

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): We all know about the frightening Scorpio, but what about the Scorpio who is secretly a little school girl on the inside. It’s true, for all the psychosexual creepiness that surrounds the beloved Scorpio; there is a fretful, nervous person, terrified of making a bad impression, somewhere. You will think you had a great time with your Scorpio date, and you will wonder why you never heard from them again. The Scorpio is afraid that they have made some terrible social gaff and would rather die than to face you again. I know it sounds weird, but it’s true. Charles Manson, Bill Gates, Larry Flynt


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Speaking of social gaffs… Seriously, the Sagittarian reigns supreme in the department of social gaffs. Make sure you have a sense of humor when dating the Sagittarian. And make sure you wear your kneepads—don’t be yucky, that’s not what I meant—as you will probably fall as you are moving from bar to bar. Dating a Sagittarians can be really fun, but make sure your more uptight friends aren’t around, or they probably won’t be your friends in the morning. Just picture yourself rolling around in a drunken stupor; laughing so hard you can’t breathe. Have fun, I did.
Richard Speck, Nostradamus, Uri Geller

Capricorn (December 22-January 20): You probably won’t get to date a Capricorn unless you’re really attractive or very wealthy (or are in a position to improve the status of the Capricorn). Yet riding the Capricorn train can be a riot. Or even riding a train with a Capricorn can be almost as much fun as bar hopping with a Sagittarius. Sure, you might get in a fight with some hillbillies, but with a Capricorn by your side, the offended party will be too confused to resort to fisticuffs. J. Edgar Hoover, Richard Nixon, Rush Limbaugh


Aquarius (January 21-February 19): OK, if you want to date an Aquarian, go ahead, but don’t expect to have much conversation—unless you want to discuss Nietzsche’s theory of Christianity as antiquity or whether or not Marcus Aurelius was a complete idiot. The Aquarian can certainly be interesting, but you’ll have to be up on your reading.
Boris Yeltsin, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Jimmy Hoffa

Pisces (February 20-March20): Ah, Pisces, Pisces, Pisces. Sad and lonely Pisces can be forced to do anything. If you really want to get married or have a baby and you can’t find anybody? Find a Pisces. These people can be talked into anything. Unless, of course, it’s somebody reasonable doing the talking, then the Pisces can find any excuse in the world to not face reality. What empty lives, waiting to be filled by the experiences of others. I have a friend (who lives far away and won’t read this) who was about to get married, until she found out her betrothed was ripping her and her family off right and left. Do you think she listened to her friends? No! It’s because she is a Pisces and just wanted to get married to anyone—even if he was a cheating scum. Liza Minelli, Sirhan Sirhan, Jimmy Swaggart