Miss Keeks

Long Time, No hear

2008-01-27T16:20:00.000-08:00

Yeah, yeah. I know it's been a while. Well, here's my update.

I left my former job back in May to go work for a new bank. Sadly, the job wasn't quite as it was originally described. In fact, a monkey could have done it. So I didn't mind it too much. I mean, I was making 6K more than I was making at my last job--which was actually more challenging. The old job was more challenging, I mean--if that wasn't clear.

So, I'm at a new bank, working a product that is about to go belly up big time. But the bank is so psyched about this product. Quick explanation, this product is backed up by mortgages. So... this HUGE bank that I'm not working for... is hugely invested in this product and the housing market is about to bust. I mean, this HUGE bank has no freaking idea? HELLO!!!! WTF?!?!??!

Anyway, after 8 months, I decided that this huge bank full of idiots is not for me and I'm back at my old bank. At the same level as my old supervisor! Not bad, right?

So, hopefully I'll have more time to post in the future. One of the "perks" of the nightmarish place was working oodles of overtime. I'm not into that.

Sweet release!

Oh, and the cats are both alive and well! It's amazing.

Little Old Man Cat

2007-03-19T19:02:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I'm a slug. Can you believe we're not supposed to be on the internet at work?? Seriously! I think they should just be grateful that we show up at all! They don't deserve me. And really, most of us have almost nothing to do. So, we sit with our iPods and look busy.

Some people may have been interested in a cat update. Many of you know about my little old guy who needs his saline subcutaneous injection (and how I stabbed myself with the needle).

He's doing pretty good. He looks good. He's pretty energetic. He has high blood pressure. Yes, my cat has high blood pressure. Can you believe it? He's now on HUMAN high blood pressure medication. Oh, and he takes pepcid AC. HA HA HA!! I swear, it cracks me up. But my childhood cat stayed alive on a diet of cat food, bran and metamucil (she preferred the strawberry flavored stuff).

In case you are wondering if my vet is a ripoff artist... we do have another cat. And she is fine and more than a little queenly. I just want you all to know that even though the queen is obsessed with food, I really don't think she'd eat my cooling corpse... unlike Marie Prevost's dog.

Most of you wouldn't remember Marie Prevost. She was a silent film star who didn't convert well to talkies. She became an alcoholic and died in poverty in 1937. Poor Marie's corpse was found partially eaten by her dachshund.

I don't think Oscar would eat me. I've trained the father to feed the fur kids. I'm confident they would go for him first.

Dating horoscopes

2006-12-14T19:17:00.000-08:00

Dating is always a chore. One never knows what they might end up with. That is why I have been gracious enough to suffer for mankind. I have faced hell so you may avoid it. If that is what you choose to do. By the way, if you’re offended by your horoscope, remember, it’s not you but the people you are dating.
Of course there is a way to avoid excessive hideousness… one can date a Cusper. The wonderful, complete souls born on cusps are the best people to get involved with. Cuspers were born right on, or directly around, the changing of the signs. Sadly, most Cuspers will only involve themselves with other Cuspers. Good luck finding one of your own.
Also, for your reading pleasure, I have added some notable members of each sign.

Aries (March 21-April 20): Think twice before you consider dating an Aries. Trust me on this one. I lived with one AND I dated one for far too long. These people tend to be extremely self-involved, obsessive and scary. They live in a plastic bubble that has their name written all over it. Although, if you enjoy playing the subservient, Aries could be the perfect dating experience for you. William Shatner, Joan Crawford, Francois (Papa Doc) Duvalier

Taurus (April 21-May 21): OK, they seem nice (in spite of being a little slow), but remember, they are not nice. If you are sharp (as I am certain you are), you will see Taureans as the manipulative bastards that they are. The Taurus is crafty and evil in ways unimaginable by most of us normal folk. Spare yourself the agony of dating a Taurus. The best part is that Taureans are completely unaware of their antics and are probably wounded by these statements. Ha. Oppenheimer, Rudolf Hess, Jim Jones

Gemini (May 22-June 21): Go ahead and date a Gemini… if you have some kind of a death wish. I understand how you feel. They seem so nice, so caring and concerned. They’re not. The Gemini is two very different entities dwelling in one vessel. Normally (if I can use that word and associate it with the Gemini), they don’t even realize they have an evil “twin.” Sometimes medication can help—usually not. Walk away and don’t look back.
LaToya Jackson, Marquis de Sade, Richard Loeb

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Cancers are high maintenance. They need constant reassurance. Sometimes they freak out and bolt, just when you think you have them. If you enjoy a project that might pay off in the long run, the Cancer just might be the way to go for you. Edward III, Clarence Thomas, Lizzie Borden

Leo (July 23-August 23): Leos are great dates—if you’re looking for a trophy. What the Leo lacks in brains, they more than make up for in social encounters. Of course your friends will laugh at you later on, but you probably got laid—and if you did—it was probably really good. Max Heindel, Sally Struthers, Fidel Castro

Virgo (August 24-September 22): Virgos are lovely if you don’t mind having your hand slapped every two minutes. God help the soul who inadvertently rearranges the Virgos stuff, there will be hell to pay. You may not suffer initially, but you’ll feel it someday down the line. Virgos never forget and they’ll make certain you don’t either. (On a side note-my mother is a Virgo and I enjoy going to her house when she is out and rearranging—slightly—all of her knick knacks. She can always tell, no matter how slightly I rearrange. Tee Hee.) Ivan the Terrible, Caius Caesar Caligula, Robert Blake

Libra (September 23-October 22): Libras are great. If you like someone who tells you they don’t want to get serious… which is fine. But then, when they find out you are dating other people (hey, they said it wasn’t serious and you said you’d date other people), the Libra suddenly becomes emotionally devastated. So the Libra goes to the Pink with your “friend” and says how heartless and cold you are… yet they just can’t help being totally in love with you. Yawn. Martin Heidegger, Ethel Rosenberg, Chevalier D’Eon

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): We all know about the frightening Scorpio, but what about the Scorpio who is secretly a little school girl on the inside. It’s true, for all the psychosexual creepiness that surrounds the beloved Scorpio; there is a fretful, nervous person, terrified of making a bad impression, somewhere. You will think you had a great time with your Scorpio date, and you will wonder why you never heard from them again. The Scorpio is afraid that they have made some terrible social gaff and would rather die than to face you again. I know it sounds weird, but it’s true. Charles Manson, Bill Gates, Larry Flynt

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Speaking of social gaffs… Seriously, the Sagittarian reigns supreme in the department of social gaffs. Make sure you have a sense of humor when dating the Sagittarian. And make sure you wear your kneepads—don’t be yucky, that’s not what I meant—as you will probably fall as you are moving from bar to bar. Dating a Sagittarians can be really fun, but make sure your more uptight friends aren’t around, or they probably won’t be your friends in the morning. Just picture yourself rolling around in a drunken stupor; laughing so hard you can’t breathe. Have fun, I did.
Richard Speck, Nostradamus, Uri Geller

Capricorn (December 22-January 20): You probably won’t get to date a Capricorn unless you’re really attractive or very wealthy (or are in a position to improve the status of the Capricorn). Yet riding the Capricorn train can be a riot. Or even riding a train with a Capricorn can be almost as much fun as bar hopping with a Sagittarius. Sure, you might get in a fight with some hillbillies, but with a Capricorn by your side, the offended party will be too confused to resort to fisticuffs. J. Edgar Hoover, Richard Nixon, Rush Limbaugh

Aquarius (January 21-February 19): OK, if you want to date an Aquarian, go ahead, but don’t expect to have much conversation—unless you want to discuss Nietzsche’s theory of Christianity as antiquity or whether or not Marcus Aurelius was a complete idiot. The Aquarian can certainly be interesting, but you’ll have to be up on your reading.
Boris Yeltsin, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Jimmy Hoffa

Pisces (February 20-March20): Ah, Pisces, Pisces, Pisces. Sad and lonely Pisces can be forced to do anything. If you really want to get married or have a baby and you can’t find anybody? Find a Pisces. These people can be talked into anything. Unless, of course, it’s somebody reasonable doing the talking, then the Pisces can find any excuse in the world to not face reality. What empty lives, waiting to be filled by the experiences of others. I have a friend (who lives far away and won’t read this) who was about to get married, until she found out her betrothed was ripping her and her family off right and left. Do you think she listened to her friends? No! It’s because she is a Pisces and just wanted to get married to anyone—even if he was a cheating scum. Liza Minelli, Sirhan Sirhan, Jimmy Swaggart

Maybe it's not so bad after all...

2006-12-13T06:47:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned that my whole problem with Christmas is due to my gift anxiety? It is. I always buy too much. It's really because I never feel like I'm giving enough. I hate birthdays for the same reason. I periodically contemplate this issue I have. Is it because I'm adopted? Do I have some deep-seated need for approval that generally does not manifest in regular daily life? I don't know. But I still feel like I'm not buying enough for other people.

But... on a happy note. I'm really almost done shopping. I have one gift left to buy. One gift! And the wife can really pick that out. It's for my grandma. He's much better at picking stuff out for the little old ladies. It makes me gag. He's less good at picking stuff out for me. I don't know what his problem is. I always tell him what I want as the year goes by. I even email him gift ideas. Forget it! He won't get me something I like--because then I might be expecting it!

Well, to be fair, I don't think he likes what I get him either. I can't help it! He always buys what he likes... where does that leave me. It doesn't matter anymore. I know that this year he'll get at least three things that he'll like.

I've put up the tree. The needles aren't falling off. And honestly, I'm sort of enjoying the holiday season this year!

Hating the Hellidays

2006-11-29T10:48:00.000-08:00

Ok. I admit it. I really don't like holidays. They're always a let down. The wife makes me put up a fake tree because his mother gave it to us (and he hates finding needles all over the house).

The last time we bought a tree, well... I can only blame myself. I let him go alone. He brought the tree home. Most of the needles fell off before he even carried it in. What the devil?? Didn't he check??? Sheesh! Never again!

But I'm getting a tree this year. At least our house will smell like pine. It'll be fine. Really it will.

But I do dislike the holidays. This year, I lied to my whole family about Thanksgiving. We didn't really have friends over. I just wanted to spend the day at home. And I made the best turkey ever. It was amazing.

How do I get out of Christmas?? I know. I can't. But maybe we can just go early in the day and then be free in the evening. That wouldn't be too bad, right?? I mean, after that whole wedding disaster--it'll be years before I can happily spend time with my family without the bitterness welling up, right?? I know that people are going to give me pictures. It's not like I can say, "gee, thanks. It's too bad that I can't even think of that day without gagging."

I like getting gifts for people. But I hate getting arbitrary gifts. I had the best birthday this year because the wife and I decided not to get gifts for each other. Maybe that can be a permanent thing going forward? If I really want something, I'll buy it myself.

Finally--and I know this ties into absolutely NOTHING--I'm applying for a job. The rumor mill as of a week ago is--I was the most qualified person to apply for the position. After all of the internal postings (I'm an external). This would be a government job utilizing my love of Accounting, academia and the arts. So... If any of you readers out there are praying folk... Well, pray for Miss Keeks--who is more than ready for a new job!!

Well, Happy Hellidays (or holidays) to all of you out there. I feel another blog coming on... The scents of Xmas.

Gasbag Review: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

2006-11-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

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I have to confess that I really did enjoy this movie. But it irritates me so much, that I am compelled to use it for this week’s gasbag review. Please allow me to explain my reasoning. This movie: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets cuts out oodles of actual information that was in the book. I understand that. I really do. I may like a movie that is eight hours long, but I’m probably in the minority. The director must eliminate non-essential portions of the book. This is my beef is, why do they have to add stuff that never happened? Did they feel it wasn’t entertaining enough as is?

Well, here it goes. You will get to read my annoyingly persnickety irritations with a movie that I actually enjoyed. I think I’ll just number my list of offensive particulars.

1) Why doesn’t Harry have eyes as green as pickled toads? This fills me with rage. The cats better look out because I’m really pissed off. Dobby’s eyes are supposed to be green too. How hard is it to make the kid where contacts? It’s just plain laziness.

2) I love Aunt Petunia’s pudding. It’s really magnificent. But why does Dobby dump it on Mrs. Mason’s head? In the book Dobby smashes it in the kitchen. What drives the Mason’s out is the owl dropping a letter in Mrs. Mason’s hair. It’s not like there is any shortage of owls in the movie. I find this annoying.

3) When Ron, Fred and George come to rescue Harry from the Dursley’s, Uncle Vernon falls out of the window trying to keep Harry in the house. What’s the point of that? I’m sure they had to pay a stunt-person for that.

4) Why do they even bother having Harry ending up at Burgin and Botts (or whatever it’s called)? They ignore the point of landing in the wrong flue. You see, Harry ended up at B&B’s because he was supposed to hear Malfoy selling stuff so he doesn’t have incriminating things at home. Duh! And why did the Hand of Glory grab Harry’s hand? I’m telling you, it was just to startle the audience. And why does Hermione repair Harry’s glasses in Diagon Alley???? They’re not supposed to do magic until they’re back to school? Would it have been that hard to have Arthur do it? Is it that important that Hermione gets some more action? Why bother, it’s not like they allow movie Hermione to say book Hermione’s lines anyway.

(Side note: I think Kenneth Brannagh is a perfect Lockhart. I don’t think that’s a compliment. Jason Isaacs looks great in his Paris Hilton wig.)

5) The movie clearly shows Malfoy putting two books into the cauldron. And it’s too bad they left out the fight.

6) When Ron and Harry take the car to school, Harry almost falls out of the car. That doesn’t happen in the book. They waste precious moments on this stupidity. In the book, they dip the car below the clouds to see what direction the train is going. They could have added more actual book to the movie. This truly irritates. I know, you’ll all say that the flying car cost so much that they wanted to give it decent screen time.

7) Why do they have to give lines to different characters? I find this personally offensive. For example, when Harry and Ron get back to the castle after flying to school, they meet Filch instead of Snape coming up behind them. Even though I personally believe Allan Rickman is way too old and too strangely attractive to be Snape (hook-nosed, greasy-hair, approximately mid-thirties), there really can’t be too much Rickman/Snape on screen. And what does Rickman know that we don’t? I swear he makes Snape look kinder and gentler than he really is.

8) Why does Neville have to faint when he sees the mandrake? Instead of that, they could have introduced Justin Finch-Fletchely (or whatever his name is) and set some background for him as a muggle-born. It’s just plain stupid.

(Side note: Aren’t those Cornish pixies adorable?)

9) I know I’ve already mentioned the whole changing of Hermione’s lines and everything. I swear this movie has turned her into a…well, I don’t know what. When they’re in Hagrid’s hut, Ron is supposed to explain the whole mudblood thing. Frankly, I don’t think book Hermione would care too much about being called a mudblood. She knows she’s better than everyone else. Movie Hermione gets all weepy. Whatever. This movie makes Hermione really seem like a weepy harbinger of doom rather than the horrifying logical girl she is.

10) You know, all that time they wasted on the stupid car trauma could have established Filch as a squib and given him reason to accuse Harry of petrifying Mrs. Norris.

(I really like the actor who plays Filch. I saw him on an episode of Midsummer Murders.)

I could clearly go on and on and on and on. Seriously. I think my last beef is the basilisk. I think it’s supposed to be a vivid poisonous green. It’s not. I think it would have been cool if it had been.

I know it’s hard to make a movie from a book. I try to look at the HP movies as separate entities of the books—it’s the only way I can enjoy them. I mean, look at The Shining. Kubrick’s version is a cinema great, but it’s not the book. Stephen King had to redo it in his own style.

Frankly, I can’t remember a movie ever being as good as a book (although I’m sure there are a few examples where the movies are better than the books). I think the ultimate point of my beef is to make sure we read the books. We get a lot more out of the experience if we read.

The American Dollar

2006-10-03T07:47:00.000-07:00

I confess I pay attention to the value of the American dollar. I can't imagine why. I guess it's because I remember the days when the Canadian dollar was worth about three cents of the American dollar--not like today--it's 89 cents! Can you believe that??? Oh, the horrors. Maybe the majority of you aren't affected by these major issues, but I live on a border town. We go to Canada for dinner on a regular basis. I love saying that. I stop into Canada for dinner. Ha.

Of course, now that the dollar is toast, it's a lot more expensive to go to Toronto for the weekend. Paying $175 a night really costs $175 a night--or it's pretty darn close. I would tell you that I'm glad the Canadian economy is doing better, but I don't think it's that much better--I think it's our economy is doing worse.

I know you want to know the real issue. Am I angry that I can't shop on the super-cheap up in Canada (or even over in Canada)? Sure. Yeah, I'm mad. But more than that, I'm really unhappy about comparing the dollar to the British pound. You see, I'm going to London in two weeks and I can't help but wonder how much we're going to spend. Don't you think the British pound should be devalued because Tony Blair likes George Bush so much?? I do. At least for the week we're there. I fully apologize to the English (and the Welsh), who are my ancestral people, for being so utterly cheap and selfish.

That being said, if anyone knows of any good, cheap places to go in London. Please let me know.

Libraries need money too

2006-09-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

Why can't I live the life of luxury I so richly deserve? If I had oodles of money, I would be more than happy to donate lots of it to the less fortunate while swimming in my indoor pool every day. I guess I don't need to be filthy disgusting rich, but I'd like to have enough cash to never have to work again (with a house on the water with that pool thing for the winter), give enough to my family so they never have to work again and give a bunch of cash to the local libraries and other worthy causes. Is that asking too much?

If I was loaded (not drunk), the library would be one of my first choices for donations. Let me explain why. My husband (that sounds weird) and I recently stopped by the library after work. I'm a big reader and now that I'm done with school, I would rather fritter my time with a book. I'll do anything to avoid "housework." So, we go to the library and we spend an hour or two perusing the stacks. The selection was horrible. It was all "feel good chick books." Bad feel good chick books. And the children's' section was huge (a good thing).

Now, I like reading crap just as much as the next person. And I think that any good library should have lots of crap. But they should also have the good books too.

Could it be the neighborhood? The library is located in an affluent area. Do yuppies have bad taste in literature? I thought they all read the Oprah "book of the month" books. (ok, it's makes me insane when I want to buy a book and it says Oprah on it.)

Maybe they're too busy home-schooling to read decent books. My step-father's daughter is home-schooling her spawn. She's one of those people who sends out those holiday letters from hell. Does anyone like reading those? It's not as if it's filled with interesting gossip or something. It's just annoying bragging. "Oh, my spawn is the smartest, most talented spawn ever!!" Who gives a hoot? We'd rather hear the dirt. I'm waiting for a letter like this: "well, the oldest has been kicked out of his third school. Frankly, I think that violent streak comes from his mother. And in case you haven't heard, the wife and I are finally getting divorced. Oh, and by the way, the kids aren't even mine." Ok, maybe it would be sad and horrible, but at least it would be an interesting read. Back to the step-sister type person. Every time she sends out one of these holiday letters, I'm compelled to take a red pen and make corrections. Then I show it to my sisters. And we cackle like the hens we can be. Every time I see her, I want to tell her that Word has spell check. And it checks grammar too. Not that I'm perfect.

Sure, I have a little animosity towards her. We can't have a family photo with our awesome stepfather without including her. Every time she sees a family photo, she wants to throw up and she can't help but get a bit teary. Boo-effing-hoo. Shut up, grow up and get over it. She sees our family about once a year and is offended by being excluded from a family photo? She was out of the house when our parents got together! It's not as though we grew up with her and are ignoring her. Whatever. She annoys me. And her husband is mean to her too. And he's an artist. He draws dogs and cars. And flags. From pictures--not that I'm mocking, because I don't have that skill. And she doesn't read books!

What kind of people don't read books? I've been reading forever! I remember my mom keeping the "tawdry" books out of my reach when I was a kid. As if that could stop me. I could just get them at the library. And now these books are apparently the only kind of book certain libraries carry. If I'm going to change the libraries, I'm going to need money--oodles of it. I'm not against winning the lottery, but I won't mind if my biological family comes to find me and gives me my rightful inheritance (along with my castle in Wales). Wish me luck!

Yikes!

2006-09-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

Holy F-Bombs, Batman! Don't ever have a wedding reception! Really.

All I wanted was a nice cocktail party with flowing booze and lots of interesting niblets. (You can get some interesting ideas here: http://www.bastards.org/bookstore/cookbook.html) Nothing to fancy. We could just mingle, drink and have a good time.

But noooooo! It has to turn into a total bloody reception. With lavender napkins and favors and horrible, horrible sweet champagne. What is up with that???? I like DRY wines!!! You know, my mom is the greatest, but I can't say no to her. I just can't. And it's not because I'm adopted, because the rest of my family is absolutely the same way. Really.

So, after I annul this marriage, I swear I'm eloping for the next one. And he better have more money too.

Adoption

2006-08-16T07:13:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately. I confess that, for the most part, these blogs are focused on adoption, specifically adult adoptees.

I believe it's important for adoptees to be open about their adoption experiences. Legislation currently is not on our side. We have no rights to our own information. Perhaps, if we're more open with our stories, we'll be able to educate the general public about adoption--and the importance of giving adoptees rights. Personally, I won't consider donating to the ACLU until they decide to support the rights of adoptees. Currently, their stance is to make sure that birth mothers' privacy is protected--forget about the person who was given away to strangers and has no medical information--and that many birth mothers would like to find their relinquished sons and daughters.

Personally, I have very mixed feelings about adoption. My concern is that a number of adoptive parents shouldn't actually be parents. However, I hate to tar all a-parents with the same brush, because I know some a-parents are fantastic parents.

I am adopted. I have always known. I can't remember not knowing. I have always been very open about--even when I was a little kid. I've always announced it to people. I think it drives my mom nuts.

My parents had four kids the... standard way. Then my mother had twins who died at birth. The doctors felt that my mom shouldn't have any more babies because there would be a very strong chance that any future babies would die at birth as well. This was in the 60's and my mom has a rare, negative blood type. After four years--and I'm not sure when they decided to adopt--they got me. In my opinion, I really scored (well... for the most part) in the family department. I have four older brothers and sisters who absolutely adore me. Suckers. My personality, even as a baby, was (and is) completely different. Rather than the shy, nervous babies who cried when people looked at them, she had this appalling good natured baby who loved everyone. I still hear stories about what an adorable kid I was. I would puke over the cuteness of it all, but I am a Leo.

I absolutely love my mom and my brothers and sisters. They're fantastic! I remember my brother taking me with him on dates and when he was out stealing cars. I remember intentionally sticking my disgusting smelly sneakers under my sisters bed to drive her insane. My sisters used to force me out of bed in the morning to french braid their hair when they were in high school (closest thing to slave labor--I didn't even know how to do laundry until I was 19).

So, I have a wonderful, perfect family. Really. It's weird. Every sibling is now married with children. Everyone has a degree and a decent job. We're total WASPs. Well, I don't have kids--and I'm only getting married now--when I'm on the far side of 30.

The only real negative of my childhood was my a-dad. He left when I was one. Because my adoption wasn't finalized at that point, the adoption agency tried to take me away. My grandfather (one of the last decent lawyers--known as "honest Bob" fought the agency to keep me. Luckily they won. My mom had full custody and my brothers and sisters and I saw my a-dad every Sunday.

My a-dad ended up getting in a spot of trouble (thank heavens--our family was just too normal). He ended up embezzling about a million bucks. I guess it was to support his two families. He was disbarred and eventually he went to jail for writing bad checks. I remember the last time I called him for his birthday. It was like pulling teeth to get him to speak. But, he has always been like that. My mom said it was horrible when they were married--she was home with kids all day and he would never speak when he got home. So, I stopped calling him. I decided I was done trying to cultivate a relationship with him. I mean, it's not like I'm even his real daughter. He left when I was one. Should I really feel bad about it? Well, I've been trying to talk myself out of feeling bad for about 20 years. Isn't that a laugh? He's not just a bad father to me, he's also a bad father to his homegrown kids too. He's a recovered alcoholic who still plays the "nothing is my fault" game.

So, I'm getting married in... ARGH... less than 3 weeks. I didn't invite my a-dad. Have I mentioned that his wife is the shining incarnation of pure evil? She's the meanest. I didn't invite them. I barely feel like he's my dad. My dad is my stepfather--who I didn't meet til I was 18. So, I'm trying really hard not to feel guilty about not inviting him. But, it's not like I'll ever hear from him, so why worry?

Anyway, enough about me. Adoption is weird. In spite of the one (BIG) negative of my situation, my adoption story is pretty nice. I'm not ashamed of being adopted, it's more like a badge of honor. I wish Bastard Nation gave out cards to members so I could tell people I was a "card carrying member of Bastard Nation," rather than just being a member. But I don't think my feelings are standard. And I think it's important that people know that many stories aren't all sweet and rosy.

Annoying Coworkers

2006-07-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

I hate to complain... Well, I rather enjoy it. But I know it gets annoying. Especially when we complain about the same person over and over. In the world of cubicles, it's hard not to become excruciatingly annoyed with coworkers that are really too close for comfort.

I've been at my current job for two years. I figured I'd stay here while completing my MBA and then I would move on. It's not a bad job. I really like my bosses and the majority of my coworkers. But there's always someone. I used to have this girl sit next to me who farted all the time. I have nothing against gas per se, but my cube smelled like a sewer. Luckily she was totally inept and didn't make it past her second probationary period.

Now we've got CT, who I've mentioned in the past. You already have heard of her appallingly tight clothes, but I may have neglected to mention that it looks like she's wearing a suit from the 70's. Plaid and polyester. And excruciatingly tight. So tight her flesh bulges over the tops of the pants. It really can't be comfortable.

I would feel sorry for her, but she is the nosiest thing who has ever lived. I've never met anyone so obnoxious about it in my life. The people who surround her in our area despise her. One co-worker hates her so much, she's thinking about quitting. This girl has been here for a while and is completely incapable of doing her job at all. So, when she can't do her job, she stops and plays Sudoku (or however you spell it) all day long or until someone will come do her job for her.

My coworker (a good one) went to this girls manager expressing concern about her inability to do her work correctly. The manager (who is an idiot--and luckily, she's not my manager) expressed thanks for the information and promptly gave the stupid nosy girl additional responsibilities including substantially more difficult work. What kind of manager does that?? Wouldn't you want to make sure someone could do the easier jobs before graduating to the tough stuff?? Even worse, it means that I'm going to have to deal with her--other than have her overtly listen to my conversations and then make comments on them.

Personally, I think that manager should be strung up. I'm consistently amazed at how people get into positions of authority when they are poor decision makers. And the manager is generally incapable of doing much of her own work and delegates most of it off her desk.

I confess I will be complaining a lot in the next few weeks. If you hate it, I apologize. But it makes me feel a bit better.

Twin Peaks and the Flu

2006-07-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

Hey, when it rains it pours. When I think of something to write about, I have to do it, otherwise it just doesn't get done.

About eight or nine years ago I decided to watch the Twin Peaks TV show. I hadn't watched it while it was on TV because I was in an anti-TV phase of my life. I can't remember what I did in that time. There are a few years I don't remember. Actually, I can't remember most of my life. I think that's a product of nurture, not nature. Although it could be nature too. I don't really know very much about my birthmother other than that she gave me away to strangers. Boy, I hope she's got a sense of humor--because if I ever meet her... I may inadvertently piss her off. Oops.

I was reading Nikki's blog and feeling sorry for her being sick and all--especially in the summer. Being sick and feverish in the summer is the worst! Yuck. Now, back to Twin Peaks. So, I've borrowed the entire series from a friend. And I'm sick--which probably explains why I'm watching the whole series in a couple of days. Each night I'm consumed by dreams. "Agent Cooper, you have to save Audrey." But then I had a... you know a dirty dream. There are so many attractive male actors on this series. Kiefer (don't tell Atilla's husband) Sutherland, Chris Issak, Kyle MacLachlan... But who did I dream about?? David Lynch. And I've had a crush on him ever since. A really big crush.

Until I saw a recent interview with him. I think it was a documentary about Jack Nance. Dave's teeth were black. It was disgusting. Black. Urgh. My crush is over and all those lynchian gifts the ball and chain gave me (only because he knows I'll never even meet Dave)have gone to waste. Well, I still like the BlueBob album.

A week and a day

2006-07-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

Atilla the Mom may be returning to school, but I only have a week and a day until I'm completely done! Unless I decide to get my PhD. I probably won't. Or, as we say in my neck of the woods--I prolly won't.

As soon as I'm done with school, I'll be able to devote my life to much more important things. For instance, is Severus Snape totally evil or just mildly evil? I think he's only mildly evil. My co-worker (who is currently whipping paper clips at me) and I argue about it every morning. Every morning I convince him and every night he unconvinces himself.

I admit that Snape is a jerk. He's a rotten excuse for a human being and an amazingly cruel teacher. I had a teacher like that once. But I did learn a lot from him. I've always believed he was in serious denial about his sexuality. Can that make a person bitter? This guy used to pull students aside to tell them how much he HATED them. I can't imagine it was a big surprise to him when he had a brick tossed through his window. It's funny that he's just the kind of person I would enjoy in real life.

Back to Snape. Sometimes when I kiss my ball and chain on the forehead and he's all sweaty and gross, I say, "Ooh, you're all Snapey." And I think Alan Rickman--30 years ago--would have been a good Snape. However, the movies leave out his more appealing qualities--greasy hair and all that.

I love that character. He's the most interesting character in the Potter series. I know Voldemort is going to die. I'm pretty confident that loads of people are going to snuff it--including Snape. But I really need to know... Who is Snape working for?? I have less than a year to wait. And that's too bloody long.

This is why I think Snape is not completely bad. I think he had to kill Dumbledore. He made the unbreakable vow with Narcissa Malfoy to either make sure Draco could do the job or he'd do it for him. Personally, I believe Dumbledore knew about it. Dumbledore's not too concerned about dying anyway. And in his mind, Snape should save Draco from committing that horrible act. So, Snape killed Dumbledore to 1.) save Draco and 2.) save himself (cause you die if you break the unbreakable vow.

Will Harry snuff it at the end? I think I'd have to re-read Joseph Campbell's theory of the hero to answer that question. I still think Hermione is too smart for Ron.

Of course, I really posted this for Nikki--who is horribly ill with a summer cold. In fact, my next post will be about Twin Peaks and the flu.

Recent Development

2006-06-28T13:10:00.000-07:00

I am clearly plagued by large butts with thongs. Why me?? I know I can't be the only one.

It's happened again. I'm finishing up my MBA in Management (I'll be done in just over a month--I'm extremely happy about that). In this program, we're in a group of five people for the entire two years. That's fine. I mean, it's a pain, but it's fine. Anyway, one of my group members has gained a bunch of weight. She's still really cute, but she's about 50 lbs heavier. I don't blame her, it sucks being in school full-time and working full-time. Especially when you're not a "traditional" student and don't have the energy to burn the candle at both ends.

So, back to my group member. We were doing a presentation. She bent over and there was her g-string. At least the other girl in our group saw it too. In her defense (the wearer of the slingshot), she was not wearing anything tight or even low-riding. She just bent over and there they were.

Later on, my other group member said, "Miss Keeks, did you see that travesty??" I said, "Oh yeah, and next time we have a meeting, I'm going to freak her out and tell her thongs cause bacterial infections!!" And we both laughed maniacally.

The following Saturday, we were together working on our... FINAL PROJECT!!!! (very exciting) I said, "Hey guys, I just read this study... blah blah blah thong...bacterial infections...unhealthy...Etc). She was pretty nonchalant. Later on I decided that I was going to check it out. Low and behold, thongs really do cause bacterial infections!

So, ladies and gentlemen, stop wearing thongs and g-strings. They're really not good for you. Even if you're nice and fresh and clean all day long, they still cause chaffing and damage to those sweet tender tissues. Stop wearing them. And they're gross.

The Sporadic Gasbag Roundtable: City of Light

2006-05-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

You can blame my mother for the delayed review. And I should mention... she would probably like this book. All I can say is I'm adopted.

This week's review is on the book City of Light by Lauren Belfer, and what a piece of crap it is. Seriously, it's really bad. I guess I should explain--and be forewarned, there will be spoilers--not that you wouldn't be able to figure that out all by yourself.

This book was a real hit in Buffalo (my home town), and like many things that happen in a city where not much happens, there was a lot of hype about it. How can I describe this mess? Well, the heroine of the book is a poor, but educated and lovely young woman (Louisa Barrett). The wealthy men who control the city (buffalo at the turn of the century really was something) took her under their wing. Tragically, they also decide Miss Barrett would be the perfect choice to be able to blackmail the womanizing president, Grover Cleveland. Miss Barrett is raped by Grover and finds herself knocked up. The wealthy founding fathers finance a trip abroad. Miss Barrett gives her daughter to a really good friend and becomes the child's godmother. The adoptive mother dies and the kid is devastated. Throw in a lot of stuff about Niagara Falls, electricity and historical information that with a better writer, could have been interesting. The adoptive father and Miss Barrett are thinking about getting married, but their romance is cut short by the kid drowning in the Niagara river.

I know what your thinking, "that doesn't seem that bad." Well Scoffers, I've pulled some direct quotes that, if I was sitting on the toilet when reading this stupid book, would have made me pee my pants.

All of Belfer's horrible writing will be in quotes and italicized for easy reading.

“Because I was a kind of ‘wise virgin’—an Athena, if you will—these men grated me my freedom and I granted them theirs.”
Ok, first I have to say, is Louisa Barrett--fictional character who Lauren Belfer--hack writer wants to be? Miss Barrett is so annoyingly perfect that... well, I can't really say, but she's too perfect. Seriously--a wise virgin? What is that? Athena? Fictional character, babe--and if she isn't--I'm probably going to experience a bit of trouble. They have the same initials!! I think I'm to write a novel about Melody Kinkaid, architect extraordinaire. Seriously, this broad thinks she's a stinking goddess. I'm a goddess too--the goddess of platonic love. But don't tell anyone, it's a secret.

“I never learned to flirt or simper. Perhaps the fact that I treated men as friends made in impossible for them to consider me as a wife.”
She never learned to flirt or simper. Nice attitude. Didn't you know that every woman in the world who is married knows how to flirt or simper (that's how they catch the menfolk).

“Of course with a child from the orphanage, secrecy would have been impossible. There would have been forms to fill out. Legalities. There would have been hushed rumors and endless speculation about the infant’s true parentage….Grace could be presented as Tom and Margaret’s true daughter.”
I admit, I included this quote because it reminded me of safe havens. And what is this piffle about presenting a child as a true daughter? That's bloody insulting!

“Was I certain, that the parents of this child were not Italian? Not Spanish, Greek, Russian—was I certain that the parents had no link (except one of philanthropy) to the immigrant communities of the city? Would this child grow to have Mediterranean-type skin? Did she have Jewish blood?
This is from the friend she's giving her baby to. WTF? If Barrett/Belfer is such a wise Athena, wouldn't she not want to give her child--the child "she bore to Grover Cleveland" to a racist?

“I cut a fine figure through society, I liked to think—tall and slender, blonde and bold.
Oops--here's where Barrett/Belfer separate. I'm compelled to comment on the heroine--who ever heard of a heroine being short and fat, swarthy and shy? There is a picture of Belfer on the jacket. She's attractive--in a dark, conservative (pearls!), slender aka I've-been-vomiting-five-times-a-day-for-the-last-15-years sort of way. She looks like she's wearing a whole lot of make up. But I bet she doesn't... simper.

“The men around me were smiling—with kindness. They weren’t smug, they weren’t complacent; they were my friends, my supporters. They’d always shown me sympathy. Anything I’d wanted, they’d given me. Ten years ago, I’d asked them for a sabbatical leave—to visit Europe, I told them—and they’d agreed without demur and given me a grant to cover expenses. When I returned, the position of headmistress awaited me. I was the orphaned, nearly penniless daughter of a college professor, but they accepted me as an equal among them….Each was a father to me.”
Yeah, and these are the guys who sent you to get raped by the pres so they could use his bastard spawn as a blackmail weapon. Sheesh, these guys are making my father look like a prince.

“He rubbed his private self against my leg.”
Ha! HA HA HA A HA HA!! His private self. Hah. That reminds me of another story... of a young man in my youth. It was weird.

“His promise of secrecy was all I could rely on to protect me.”
Of course he's not going to say anything! Duh!

I would totally recommend reading this book... for a laugh! I paid $0.37 for it, and I feel it was worth every penny.

Wise Athena, my ass.

My Tragic Obsession

2006-04-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

OK. I admit it. I'm completely addicted to the JK Rowling books.

It all started because the crazy uber-Christians were freaking out about these books driving America's youth to Satan (somebody's got to teach them some manners). I had to see what it was all about. Ever since then... well, the wizarding world has consumed me.

At first I would reread the books until the next book came out. I would tell myself that they were "good bedtime books" that didn't involve a lot of thought. Then I discovered fan fiction. Yes, I admit it's horrible, but I can't help it!

It's an illness I think. I really don't have an addictive personality. I don't like gambling. I think it could be a procrastination tool. Maybe going back to school later in life--and going straight through to get my MBA is the reason I read this crap compulsively. Hmmm... I don't know, I think I'd play computer games instead of homework too. I think I'll stick with blaming the crazy uber-Christians.

Note: crazy uber-Christians is not meant to insult anyone with relatively normal religious beliefs--you crazy nutso people know who you are.

Oh, and by the way--I got an Outstanding on my WOMBAT (Wizard's Ordinary Magic and Basic Aptitude Test).

Six Weird Facts

2006-04-21T08:47:00.000-07:00

Ok--Evil Attila tagged me. Now I have to come up with Six odd or unusual things about me. I'm sure my coworkers could come up with more (but they don't know about these things... ok, they do know about the Harry Potter addiction--because a number of them share it). By the way, at work, I'm Hermione Granger--and I don't want to hear any nasty comments about my obsession with elves (I'm also Fred Weasley).

1.) I like to pop zits. I know, it's gross. However, if I see someone I don't know with an oozing zit, I get so disgusted that I start gagging.

2.) I used to have an outtie, but now I have an innie. (mom made me have plastic surgery at the age of four.

3.) I do have back problems, but sometimes (usually) I exaggerate them to get the ball and chain to clean the litter box.

4.) I'm addicted to Harry Potter and it mortifies me.

5.) I'm the youngest of five--and the only one who was adopted. What--four kids wasn't enough??

6.) I can play the trumpet, piano and guitar. I used to be able to play the tuba as well, but I think I've forgotten how.

I'll tag people later... Really!

Here are the people I'm tagging (and I'm apologizing in advance)... Miss Litzi and that's it for now--because I don't really know anyone else (other than Rhonda's Ruminations, but that darned ATM already snagged her...) in blog land. I reserve the right to torment people at some future date.

Now--I copied this part from ATM's blog, but as I'm stating the fact outright--I don't need to cite her blog, do I?

Here are the rules of this tag (I guess it's like a chain letter that will never go away!):1.Go write 6 weird facts/things/etc. about yourself in my comment box and on your blog, then tag six more people!2. Then leave a comment that says “You are tagged” in their comments telling them to read your blog. ENJOY!

Boxer Shorts and Thongs

2006-04-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

I'm really not trying to be mean. I'm not trying to judge, but wouldn't it be better not to show the world your underwear? (Or--if you're in the UK, don't show me your pants--unless I really would like to see them.)

When I was getting my undergraduate degree a few years ago (I went back when I was old), there was a really obnoxious girl who sat in front of me in a couple of my classes. She was loud and bossy. She was a big girl--not that there's anything wrong with that! But she would lean forward in her chair and her thong would show.

It was like a train wreck. I don't want to look at anyone's thong! I think they're gross. One of my classmates turned to me and said, "those are actually boxer shorts, but they're too tight." It was mean, but we laughed anyway.

I thought the big girl thongs had passed from my life, but tragedy has struck again. We have a new girl working in our department. I'll call her CT (that's what we call her behind her back here--by the way, we generally don't talk about people here...). Anyway, CT is a big girl with a high squeaky voice. She's lazy, whiney and a complainer. She also talks nonstop. She's intrusive and annoying.

CT wears really tight pants that show every pocket in her butt as well as her underwear lines. Last Friday she wore a thong. Everyone saw it. Our manager was vomiting her cube. I was sobbing quietly. The worst part was when two coworkers noticed that she had a wedgie... in the front (there had been rumors--hence the nickname) . The coworker who witnessed the travesty started bleeding from the eyes. It was bad.

What's the deal here? I don't think I'm intentionally starring at girl's butts! Why are the quadruple x thongs showing in the first place. Shouldn't people wear loser fitting pants? I don't wear tight pants!

Why are both of these girls relatively hideous in the first place? Would I be so grossed out if they were nice?

Cats and Needles, Needles and Cats

2006-04-07T06:43:00.000-07:00

I have two cats. This does not indicate that I'm a crazy cat lady. I admit that I drink some herbal tea, but that should not be an indication of pathetic, lonely lady syndrome or anything horrible like that. Ok, I knit too. This is getting worse every minute. Look, I would have a dog too if I had the time. I used to have rats. Rats aren't crazy cat lady pets, right?

Anyway, this is my horrifying tale of woe. My oldest cat was recently diagnosed with the beginning stages of kidney failure. Now, this is pretty sad--not only because he's my cat--but he is the nicest cat around. He's really friendly and a total spaz. I've known cat haters who became cat lovers because of this cat. He's the bomb, he really is.

So, Oscar (that is his name) now has to get a subcutaneous fluid push twice a week. I get to experience that joy (I'm not complaining--the father gets to do the litter box--sucker). It's pretty gross, jabbing a needle into the cat. But that's not the horrible part of this story.

A few months ago--I think it was before Christmas--I was giving Oscar his injection. After the injection, I was attempting to remove the needle from the IV line and I stabbed myself in the finger. After it was in the cat. I stabbed myself so hard that I still shudder at the memory.

My finger is still a bit numb, but I know the nerve damage will heal eventually (it was just a needle... nerve damage??), but I can't help but worry about the new habits I've acquired... the incessant licking, the hair balls and the overwhelming need to sleep for 23 hours a day.

Snickerdoodles

2006-02-14T08:03:00.000-08:00

My coworkers are nagging me for cookies. I wish they would stop. Really, this is just a test.